i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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