Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
