Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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