she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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