I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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