Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
