how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
