And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
