ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
