I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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