did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
