eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
