New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
