He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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