My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
