Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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