I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
