I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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