sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
