Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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