Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
