The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
