Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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