just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
