so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
