its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
