if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I did not marry a roomba.
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