Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my phone needs a breathalizer
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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