my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
