I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Randomize
