I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
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