we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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