Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
