is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
