Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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