Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
