There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We're too hungover to prance.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
