Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
