I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
