FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
