I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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