I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Randomize
