I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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