I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
