It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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