hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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