What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
