I will die if light touches me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
