I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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