The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
