can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
